unique

i hate the fact that you still cross my mind from time to time. and even worse, that when you do my heart instantly aches. i hate that when a sad song bleeds through my speakers, your face is all that i see. and when my family brings up your name, it's like a stab in the gut. a sharp pain that this is all real. that everything i had felt for you was real. it's throbbing as the realization that we planned forever together comes back to me. yes this is all real. it really did happen didn't it? and i want to forget. i need to forget. all that was said, all that was done, all that was felt. i hate that reminder. please don't say his name! please stop twisting the knife. it hurts, almost unbearable. i can't stand that you had so much of me that it continues to bring tears to my eyes. i despise the urge i get sometimes, to call you. and i feel so weak when i give in and do. and it stings when you never answer, like a hive that is kicked to the ground filled with rejection and hurt. quit stinging me. i wonder sometimes what if you did answer? what would i say? why am i calling? do i just want to hear your voice? am i seeking reassurance that maybe your not over me either? possibly. but why does it matter anyways. i know i don't want you like that ever again.maybe because when i lost you, i lost a big chunk of me. and even though I'm moving on and i met someone possibly wonderful.... falling for him brings our late love back to the surface, and puts  you on my mind. not when i am with him, but a part. i question what is love really. what are the characteristics or the criteria for two people to be in love? is it what we had before everything fell a part? or is it something entirely different? maybe no two people can have a love like before. because no two people are the same. for instance i will never love him like i loved you. perhaps love is unmeasurable... its not that i loved you more but i love him different. yes that makes sense. all love is different... unique.

Fate

life sucks most of the time
and that's why God created  you
to make mine not so bad
you are the joy
and the happiness
that God had planned for me
it wasn't just coincidence that we met
it was a well thought out, strategic plan
that was executed to the fullest
and even though our relationship has been clouded
with age, race, cultures, families..
or mis believed perceptions
just look at where we are today
in this moment; we're good
and honey its only going to get better
because the sky's are clearing
and everything is coming more into focus
i mean.. whats ten years compared to forever
whats color really?
aren't they just reflections of lights or something like that?
so yours is dark and mine is light
so what? Zebras seem to make it work
so could we
and what does it matter where we came from anyways?
all that really matters is where we're going
forget what everybody says
all that matters is what we say; what we think;
what we feel
and all of the bad stuff
just seems so minor in the big scheme of things.
this is real, right here, right now
what we have is real
so lets just do it
lets take this all the way
lets spend the rest of our lives
exploring what true happiness is
i've never been so sure
i don't want to waste it

to the best man i know

boy your like the moon
the light that leads people
in a world so filled with darkness
and the stars are like your admirers
they are the many people
you have ever touched in your lifetime
did you realize that you left behind your light?
inside of them?
boy your love is like the universe
never ending; limitless
everyone gravitaties around your love
it's truely beautiful
boy you never cease to amaze me
i wish that i could explain to you
the way you make me feel
but i never could
to me you feel like...
a nice hot shower
after a long hard workout in the winter
or perhaps
a nice cool breeze in the summertime
relieving me from the heat
boy your like milk
which compliments my cookie
satisfying
yes, i am your oreo
and you are my milk
your like a long awaited phone call
delievering the exact news i want to hear
boy your like the soup
that soothes my sore throught
or the blanket
thats like a shield
protecting and fighting for me
to keep me warm; comfortable; safe
and just hearing your voice
makes everything better
even if its just a few seconds
in those seconds you seem to heal all my problems
and even though it's a temporary fix
it's what i need
your what i need
i need your love,
your comfort,
your warmth,
your support,
your motivation,
your light,
our friendship
without you i would be
incomplete
you compliment me
make me into a person that i'm not ashamed of
boy don't ever leave my side
because your like the moon
it would be impossible to survive
if you were gone

incomplete

i'm searching for you
are you searching for me too?
will we know it when we see each other?
i wonder...
will we feel something down deep inside click?
will the earth shift from under our feet?
or will we feel nothing?
no magic
no spark
the universe wont change at all perhaps
is there such a thing as the one?
or do we just settle with someone?
cohabitate comfortably
have enough in common to love each other until death.
maybe there is no fairytail love
there is not "the one"
even though it felt so right
everytime we texted
or when i heard your voice
or when i saw you for the first time in years
all dressed in read
with your humble smile
your touch was like electric volts
sent strait to my heart it seemed
...... To be Continued

to the point

i want to be yours
i want to have the key to your heart
the only one who could open you up
care for you before anyone else

my inspiration

your like the sunrise
a radiant array of colors
so different, so right
your the beginning to something new
and like the sunrise
your overwhelming
and though it doesn't feel absolute
or even really right sometimes
as bad as i want it to be
i can only lie to myself for so long
before i know i'm just fooling myself
and its deceiving
like when you see the sky
in a perfectly still body of water
i know there's not two sky's
just like i know everything here is not right
yet being with you makes me better
you make me feel alive inside
like the first warm breeze in the spring time
you touch like the sun beaming down on me
warming me up from the cold
you give me motivation
to actually want to smile
or to care about my appearance
motivation to try and trust again
maybe to even try and love again
when i'm not with you
i feel nothing
maybe partially the crack in my heart
that just kinda hurts all the time
like an unfortunate person
who suffers from chronic pain
when you are away from me
my heart beats low, heavy perhaps
you heart is not supposed to feel like a weight
but mine does
it weighs down like the Autumn leaves that fall
they are so beautiful
but it is known that they are falling
because in fact they are dying
that's what i feel like most of the time
like a declining leaf
on a beautiful Autumn day
and like the winter
the night creeps around
and without you at night
i'm an isolated snowflake
in a ray less somber darkness
left delicate and fragile
in all reality it's simple
i don't need  you to survive
but i want you with me
for when i'm with you
i am better

the storm

i wish we could have worked
i wish our love would have been right
but it wasn't
it was more like the weather
sometimes hot, sometimes cold
cloudy and bright
but it was ultimately like when the hot meets the cold
and a tornado is formed
and after the storm died down
and the sun came back out
things looked more promising
so you say lets try this again
just me and you like we planned
and you say you can't live without me
and i'm scared i might feel the same
but i know better i think
because the storm left damage
so much damage
and i'm still at a loss of how to clean it up
and it's tempting to let you help me
pick up the broken pieces
and try to put them back together
but our love is not right
and as much as i wanted it to be
i would be a fool to go back into the same storm
or possibly an even bigger one
that would be devastating
or even possibly fatal

my most embarrassing thoughts exposed

i want you to feel like me and want to fall asleep to the melody of my beating heart. i want you to want to learn the song that my heart is playing for you. our love is new, unknown, unexplored, and all that i want is for you to want to explore it with me, to see our potential to become a whole. where are hearts could become a duet instead of a lonely solo. and i feel a desire from you occasionally but its very inconsistent. sometimes i feel strung along and very hurt to the point where i am wondering why i bother, but i see your heart and i know its good and despite the feelings of hurt and unreliability, i still want to trust you. despite my better judgement. i want to believe that i am the only girl that your interested in, but your actions tell me otherwise for the most part. it kills me inside that you wont let me into that place where i can really see and understand you. i know i could be more than your Rosa and Elizabeth. i honestly feel i can love you a thousand times more than they ever did. i want to make up for all the love that you missed out on. from  your absent father to your inconsistent mother and everybody in between. i don't know why you make me feel this way but you do. we're almost strangers practically and its scary to me that i feel this way because not even with any of my exes have i wanted to try so hard. i want to date you. i want to learn you. i want to make you happy, and i wish i felt more of these feelings form you but instead all i feel is you being more apathetic than anything. like you keep me around so you know that you have somebody there but it hurts my feelings because i feel like you only like me when its convenient for you to. i work too, i get tired but when i like someone its all the time... not just when its convenient for me to.
i want to not care as much. i want to not like you as much. i really want to be okay with you not liking me as much and standing me up and having other girls in your room late at night. it doesn't really work though. i don't want to cry over you. i don't want to get upset when you don't text me for a couple of days, or we don't see each other for a whole week. i don't want to want to lay and sleep with you every night and wake up to  your beautiful face every morning. but i do.
i want to share blankets and cold feet. i want our kisses to mean more than just what a kiss is. i want me in your arms to overwhelm you. i want to watch our favorite movies and sing all our favorite songs together. i want to comfort you when your feeling down. i want us to be each others sunlight and brighten each others worlds. i want to call you love and know when you call me baby that i know its more than just a word. i want all these things and more but i really don't want to want them. i want to feel like you and take this all lightly. know that my feelings aren't that great and i could walk away at any point and not feel saddened by anything that we had or could have had. my only hurtle is trying to figure out how to trick myself into really feeling this. and although i think about you everyday and i want you more than anything, i will find a way to get over that and just be friends who occasionally sleep together.

lost like the ocean

our love was like the ocean
vast
so beautiful on the surface
but so dangerous in reality
so contradicting in all reality
its so full of lost secrets
unsolved mysteries
and hidden treasures
the ocean is so deep
with its dark ending less abyss
yet so shallow
with its sandy shallow sandbars
how could something so beautiful
produce something so disgusting as seaweed
its baffling to me
how can the saltwater burn so bad
but be healing all at the same time
yes, very contradicting
and like the waves
we were up and then down
calm and peaceful
but with one change of the wind
wild, and crazy
it all just depended
on the time, the place, the weather
or the emotions
that were thrown everywhere
like a hurricane
undecided in its path and directions at all times
inconsistent; unreliable...
but in a sense the ocean is reliable
just like you
the ocean will always be there
even with all its flaws
there's that contradicting word again
regurgitated over and over again
just like what we had
maybe all we have to learn form this
is that the ocean is;
although fun to visit sometimes,
its very powerful
very scary
uncontrollable like a tsunami
its not safe
and definitely not the place
for you or me to ever try and reside in

comfort

its dusk, the best time of day
the sun is gleaming in your eyes
and you look hungry
hungry with lust
your hand finds my lower back
my heart beats faster
you look beautiful
staring into my eyes
so intense, so thoughtful, so trusting
i can feel my legs start to tremble under me
my fingertips gently graze your cheek
an invitation to take me
im a little timid
i know you can tell
im trying to play it cool
but i feel like my heart beat is giving me away
you pull me closer,
as to say don't be afraid..
i will protect you
your face drops closer to mine
i look up
your lips seem to tremble as well
could you be nervous like me?
instantly my lips reach yours
to reassure any of your doubts...
i want you too

nothing

i feel cold
numb perhaps
im waiting to feel my heart break
but it doesn't
instead i feel nothing
maybe just a little sadness
for what i know will never be
but with that sadness comes relief
relief that i did figure things out
before it was all too late
but mostly i feel nothing

his vs. yours

laying in his arms last night just didn't feel right
kinda how it felt the last couple months in yours
i guess a little less empty
a little less hurtful
i thought it was going to be you and me forever
you gave me a ring
you gave me a promise
you said the past was the past
we started new
i was gonna have my children with you
how could you do this to me
the entire time
even while we were so in love..
you tricked me
you tricked my family
how dare you!
i thought i knew you
i thought you knew me
i guess i was wrong
everything i thought i knew was wrong
what do i do now?
i guess for now, i'll be content in his arms
at least it will mask my pain for now

143... i like you

its strange to me how i can feel completely comfortable with you and with one change of topic my insides turn completely  inside out. you make me so happy but so scared all at the same time. i have never felt so self conscious with anybody in my entire life, and i know it's just because i want to impress you. i want to be cool, sexy, crazy, caring, exciting, supportive, loving, etc. there is so many things that makes me want to do this. you make me not think about everything else that's going on in the world around me. your eyes are beautiful. my heart beats so hard when you look into my eyes. and when you smile, the balls of your cheeks rise up and your dimples become more defined, and your eyes light up golden brown. seeing your smile makes my insides flutter like a million butterflies. you would think i have never had a crush before. i get so excited when you to to tell me a story about you because it becomes an opportunity to get to know you. it's the weirdest thing because i want to learn you; not just know you but really know you. i desire nothing more than to be your someone special and to love you like you've never been loved before.